Black Tuesday

I have hesitated posting about this. I want to share with friends and family openly and honestly but I also don't want the blog to turn into a daily emotional car wreck either.

After thinking it through a little I figured I have made some small sense of it and I figure friends and family would want to know anyhow so here goes . . .

As I mentioned before, I found it hard to be alone while the wife was in New York this past week.

Thursday to Saturday was fine but by Sunday I really had probably been away from the wife and child too long and I was having a pretty rough time. Sure, I could have surrounded myself with friends but it was my pregnant wife I wanted to see.

Monday morning, a friend called me at the office to say he would be in the area and did I want to meet up at my house for lunch?

I said "Sure" and made a mental note to get home early enough to pick up the place.

He got there first. He knows where the hide-a-key is.

I walked in and he was standing in the kitchen - surrounded by 5 days of dirty dishes, pizza boxes, trash and one or two too many empty beer bottles left haphazardly on any flat surface that would hold them.

I grimaced, "This looks bad . . . huh?"

"Yeah", he said painfully, "It looks pretty bad".

And it was.

Tuesday it all came to a head. I was looking forward to the wife coming home that evening and I knew I had to clean up the place before she got home. But when I got up I just felt bad.

As I walked to the car, I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. As I pulled onto the street the tears started to come. By the time I hit the highway I was really coming apart. Sobbing with my right hand on the wheel, my head in my left hand.

All I could do was stare at the left-hand line of my lane and focus on keeping just to the right of it.

By the time I got to my off ramp, I realized I had been going 40 mph on the highway (at least I was in the right-hand lane).

I pulled into the parking lot of my office and sat with my head in my hands weeping.

I got myself together and went into the office but I was not right. My heart was racing, my vision was blurry, my hands were shaking and I had a hard time operating the mouse on the computer.

At one point I found myself gripping the edges of the keyboard.

"Type", I told myself.

"I can't".

"Why?"

"I can't let go of the keyboard and the keys are too heavy anyway"

???

This had to be some sort of panic attack or something.

I turned to my assistant and said, "I don't feel well. My heart is racing and my hands are shaking." I said holding up one trembling hand.

"Dude, you drink too much coffee", she replied.

Which is true - but I had only had Decaf that morning.

By the afternoon I was nauseous.

I made it through the day, got the house cleaned up and have never been more happy to have my wife return home.

We slept with our arms around each other all night.

So there is that - two melt-downs in two weeks. I will leave theories on the hows and whys for another post.