Jubilate Agno, Fragment B [For I will consider my Cat Jeoffry]

by Christopher Smart

For he is the servant of the Living God, duly and daily serving him.

For at the first glance of the glory of God in the East he worships in

his way.

For is this done by wreathing his body seven times round with elegant

quickness.

For he keeps the Lord's watch in the night against the adversary.

For he is of the tribe of Tiger.

For he purrs in thankfulness when God tells him he's a good Cat.

For he is an instrument for the children to learn benevolence upon.

For every house is incomplete without him, and a blessing is lacking in

the spirit.

For he is the cleanest in the use of his forepaws of any quadruped.

For he is the quickest to his mark of any creature.

For there is nothing sweeter than his peace when at rest.

For there is nothing brisker than his life when in motion.

For by stroking of him I have found out electricity.

Catania Reinforces Defenses

In answer to Dawgistan's now nearly daily raids on Catania's food stores in the lower Cabinet Valley, Catania has demanded that Humania reinforce its food stores with stone defenses.

"We simply cannot tolerate this daily humiliation at the hands of a nation as inferior as Dawgistan", said the elusive leader of Catania known only as "Dezi".

Initially, Dawgistan lacked the ability to reach Catania's food stores in the Lower Cabinet Valley as the LCV was not as low as the Floor Valley. But over the past few months, as Dawgistan grew in size and capabilities, Dawgistan began occasional raids on Catania's food stores.

As Catania's food stores were largely undefended, over time, Dawgistan began daily and sometimes twice daily raids on Catania's food stores.

"This is unacceptable!" exclaimed Dezi. "Humania must do something to stop these raids! Sending more food does not solve the problem. Dawgistan just eats more! Why do I have to explain everything to you people? And for the love of all that's holy, HOW MUCH CAN DAWGISTAN EAT? ITS RIDICULOUS!" shrieked Dezi, momentarily losing all composure.

Humania responded by providing stone in the hopes that the make-shift wall will deter further raids.

"Humania believes that Dawgistan has all but reached its growth potential and that the stone provided will resolve the issue", stated Humania's head of the Security Council. "Furthermore, we even had the stone decorated in a Catanian motif."

As seen in the accompanying photo, one stone is in the likeness of Catania's current ruler, Dezi. The other stone is in the likeness of Sampson the Great; a legendary hero of Catania who passed away prior to the establishment of Dawgistan.

"Whatever" replied a now subdued Dezi. "Too little to late as usual. . . . It doesn't even look like me."

When asked for a response, the spokesman for Dawgistan dug a hole in the yard and buried a piece of firewood. An act of direct defiance to Humania as Dawgistan has been told REPEATEDLY NOT TO DO THAT!

CATANIA DECLARES WAR

Long standing tensions between Catania and Dawgistan finally boiled over this week resulting in Catania issuing a formal declaration of war.

“We will defend ourselves against Dawgistan’s unprovoked aggression and intrusion into our sovereign territory” stated a spokesperson for Catania. “We can do none other”.

Tensions between the two started almost immediately when the governing body of Humania carved out a portion of Catania to form a new homeland for Dawgistan. Catania responded immediately by retreating to its stronghold in the Masterbed mountain range with occasional trips to the location of its food stores in the Lower Cabinet valley.

Catania has maintained that Humania does not have the authority to unilaterally redraw its borders and has refused to formally recognize the existence of Dawgistan. Despite the efforts of Humania’s Security Council and State Department, Catania and Dawgistan have yet to open diplomatic relations.

Tensions have flared on and off for months with Catania letting loose it’s CatScratch-2 missiles on an almost daily basis. These attacks have been largely inconsequential as the CatScratch-2 has a very limited range and, apparently unbeknownst to Catania, Humania had the CatScratch-2 warheads removed as part of the Rental Agreement Treaty of 1992.

Although Dawgistan is 8 times the size of Catania and could effectively wipe Catania off the face of the earth, it is unclear whether Dawgistan is aware of its own capabilities and has consequently responded by mostly evading the CatScratch-2’s and making occasional raids on Catania’s food stores in the Lower Cabinet valley.

Since its formal declaration of war, Catania has relied upon guerilla tactics and its highly effective SUDs (Stealth Urinary Devices).

Due to the effectiveness of the SUD’s, Dawgistan has been forced to repeatedly retreat from the Kennel region and has all but had to give up the Dawg Bed plain unless accompanied by Humanian peace keepers.

Humania has stated that the organization is doing all that it can but that it has a limited number of observers and peace keepers and simply cannot watch the entire region 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Catania took advantage of Humania’s limited resources late last night when it deployed an SUD in Nightstand, which has long been a Humanian Security Council outpost in the Masterbed Mountains. The Security Council outpost was not damaged but a temporary Humanian troop shelter, a BVD-PWT (BVD-Plain White T) sustained a direct hit. It is unclear whether the BVD-PWT was damaged beyond repair.

“This is intolerable!’ roared an enraged Chief of Humania’s Security Council holding aloft the BVD-PWT in one hand and gesturing wildly with the other. “While it is true that Humania provides food, shelter and occasional walks to Dawgistan, let me remind Catania that Humania also provides food, shelter and a secure place to sleep in the Masterbed mountains for Catania.”

“Humania is not on Dawgistan’s side nor Catania’s side. The only side Humania is on is the side of peace and quiet.”

Humania’s Security Council voted unanimously to enforce sanctions against Catania. While food, water and medicine will be allowed, all treats of any nature will be cut off until Catania assures the Security Council that there will be no more unprovoked attacks against Humanian Outposts, Observers or Peace Keepers.

Catania’s spokesman responded by stating, “We will defend our territory against all aggressors. By unilaterally redrawing our borders, Humania is complicit in this aggression.”

When asked for a statement, Dawgistan’s spokesman just laid down on his side, heaved a heavy sigh and stared into space.

At the press time, a representative from Humania’s State Department could not be reached for comment . . .