Good Fun

http://youtu.be/WxfZkMm3wcg

Coming

by Kenneth Rexroth

You are driving to the airport
Along the glittering highway
Through the warm night,
Humming to yourself.
The yellow rose buds that stood
On the commode faded and fell
Two days ago. Last night the
Petals dropped from the tulips
On the dresser. The signs of
Your presence are leaving the
House one by one. Being without
You was almost more than I
Could bear. Now the work is squared
Away. All the arrangements
Have been made. All the delays
Are past and I am thirty
Thousand feet in the air over
A dark lustrous sea, under
A low half moon that makes the wings
Gleam like fish under water –
Rushing south four hundred miles
Down the California coast
To your curving lips and your
Ivory thighs.

Traveling Tails

The thing about a job that requires travel is that IT ALWAYS REQUIRES TRAVEL. I am currently home one week and then leave the next. This past week has been a home week but tomorrow it is Phoenix and then onto Northern Cal. Only the wife has been planning what appears to shaping up to be the mother of all parties for tonight - for my birthday.

So here I am on my "birthday" (the actual date is Tuesday - when I will be in AZ) packing a weeks worth of clothes just before people start showing up at our house.

It feels odd to be packing to leave at the same time that you are prepping to welcome people to your home. I'm not crying in my beer here - it's not a bad thing - or a good thing. But it does feel like a weird thing . . .

Traveling Tails

For example: I presume, when heading to the airport, that the security line will consist of three high-school marching bands, each member with his own array of steel pins and skull plates, and it will take an hour AT LEAST to snake through the line. I also presume we’ll have the farthest gate. It goes without saying that I presume heavy traffic en route.

My wife belongs to the school that looks at the time of departure, subtracts an hour, and figures that’s when you should start to leave. Or pack.

- Lileks

Traveling Tails

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9em-ZCddWk

Traveling Tails Gag Request

That's "Request" not "Reflex".

So a friend of mine suggested that I come up with some sort of gag or theme to mark my new travels.

My first thought was that I would hit a Starbucks in every state that I visit and have the barista hold up a hand-written sign indicating the state we are in - the only thing that would change is the sign - get it?!

But . . . . I almost never go to Starbucks . . .

My next idea was that I would buy a shot glass in each airport - take a photo of it filled with . . . . errrr . . . . soda . . . . and then leave the empty shot glass in my next hotel room next to the Gideon Bible (with photo evidence). That way, someone would open the drawer in St. Louis and find a bible and a shot glass from Portland and say W*F?

But then that would mean I would be doing shots in airports at 6am - which I am willing to do for the sake of my "art" but I don't think the wife would go for it.

So I am looking for creative ideas - if your job required you to visit 22 states and 3 provinces of Canada regularly, what gag would you pull?

Traveling Tails

I know, I have been terrible at keeping people up-to-date. As some may know, I now have a new job that requires me to travel every other week. Which means I am home one week and then I head out on Monday and return Friday the following week. It’s actually a pretty decent gig. It’s still WORK and so comes with all the usual frustrations and I almost NEVER have time to see any sights (unless you consider airports and hotel rooms sights). Places I have been to so far?: St. Louis, MO – Albuquerque, NM – Phoenix, AZ – Salt Lake City, UT – Denver, CO.

So let this be considered the first installment of "Traveling Tails".

First topic of consideration? Boarding and de-planeing.

Let me start by saying, “I get it”. People want to be first. First on, first off, first to get to baggage claim, first to leave baggage claim blah blah blah . . . . I understand, it is a natural human tendency. To me, these people are the equivalent of the lane-changers in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

I KNOW WHAT THE INSIDE OF A PLANE LOOKS LIKE AND I AM IN NO HURRY TO SEE IT AGAIN. NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU PUSH AND SHOVE, YOU BAG WILL HIT BAGGAGE CLAIM WHEN IT HITS IT AND NOT A SECOND SOONER.

Which means, when the boarding starts, that’s my cue to hit the men’s room. Usually by the time I am back, it is just me and the gate attendant. I travel alone so what do I care where I sit?

Here’s a tip: Many people travelling together will take the window and aisle seat – leaving the middle seat between them. When you board last, look for people who may be a couple – ask to take the middle seat and inevitably the person on the aisle will shrug, take the middle seat next to their loved one and leave the aisle to you.

So aaaaannnnyyyy waaaaaaayyyy . . . . I board last and I take my chances.

The other side of this is, I see no reason to leap from my seat as soon as the plane hits the gate only to stand in the aisle like some sort of schmuck. I keep my seat, when it comes my time to move I look to see if anyone around me needs assistance and then I make my way to freedom.

So on a recent flight I boarded last, I took the middle seat and endured the flight. Upon landing, the aisle schumck to my right LEAPS up and into the aisle as if it will make one bit of difference. I keep my seat, power up the phone, let the wife know I am safe and sound . . . that’s when the window schmuck, overcome by his schmuckiness, stands up – bent-over – under the over-head panel. HE'S JUST STANDING THERE - BENT OVER - GLOWERING AT ME.

Keep in mind, we are so far back in the pack that we can’t even SEE people in motion at the front of the plane yet. I just smile to myself at the lunacy of it all. That’s when window schmuck, not content to be standing doubled over, attempts to crane his arm over me and up around into the overhead bin so that he can grab his carry-on . . . FIRST!

10 minutes later, it came our turn to get up and get out.

Saw the guy at baggage claim – he was still waiting for his luggage as I headed out to pick up my rental car.

Guess he should have boarded sooner . . . .

What a schmuck.