Let's All Pause for a Moment . . .

Over the course of my life, I have tried to make a distinction between what I think and what I feel. Usually, what I think takes precedence over my emotions but there have been rare instance when I went with "my gut" so to speak.

In regards to Annabelle's shunt revision surgery this week, here is what I think:

1) This is to be expected. Shunts have to be redone from time to time and it is a very rare individual who has a shunt placed which never needs a revision.

2) Compared to the spinal surgery the day after she was born, and the initial shunt surgery the following day, this is the least of the three in terms of risk and recovery.

3) Annabelle has proven herself to be a strong, happy, warrior and I am sure she will pull through this week just as she always has.

That's what I think.

But feel? Oh my, that is different. I have to say that I was somewhat surprised by how hard the news hit me. As I mentioned before, it is one thing to sit in a doctor's office discussing possible outcomes and procedures for your daughter who hasn't even been born yet. At that time we just had a theoretical image in our heads of what she would look like - sort of a mash up of all our friend's children mixed in with baby images from movies etc.

But now . . . now that I have held her for 5 months . . . I can close my eyes and see her smile - I can hear her laugh when I am sitting at my desk at work. If I think hard, I can recall her smell and the warm weight of her little body draped over my shoulder.

To think that one morning this week, Annie will take a ride in her car seat just like any other day. Only this day she will be put under, cut open, have a tube pulled out of her brain, a new one put in and then be sown back up. There is a good chance she will awake in a strange place and be frightened. There is a good chance she will feel discomfort.

Well . . . it's tough to bear . . .

It's because we have gotten to know her better that it hurts so much. That and the fact that we are pretty bruised right now to begin with considering job stresses and finances etc. so it doesn't take much pressure to cause pain.

I had the opportunity to work for a wonderful woman in Seattle when I was a Real Estate agent. I would sit down with her once a week to review my business and she would give a pat on the back or a kick to the back-side as needed.

I remember being particularly demoralized one week that a certain transaction did not come to fruition. And she *tsk - tsked*, shook her head slowly from side to side and said, "That is just so sad, I am so sorry . . . Let's just pause for 10 seconds of silence to acknowledge this sad, sad situation . . ."

We both folded our hands and bowed our heads . . .

1 mississippi . . . 2 mississippi . . . .

At the end of the 10 seconds she took a deep breath, pretended to dab non-existent tears, squared her shoulders and said, "There . . . that's better . . .". A familiar but trusted steely glint returned to her eyes and she stared right at me and said, "Now get out there and get back to work."

"Yes, mame", was the only possible reply . . .

So there it is, the situation is serious but certainly not one deserving of a rending of garments. Even though that's how it may feel from time to time . . .

So consider this post my 10 seconds of silence . . . .

*sigh*

There . . . that's better . . . now let's get on with it . . .

Your prayers and support are appreciated more than you know . . .