All That We Let In

Its funny what you remember.

After losing my job last week I felt like I was walking into a deeper and deeper fog - all the stresses of the past few months just dawgpiling on until I couldn't think clearly.

I decided I just needed to get out of town for the day so I loaded up the dawg and we headed for the hills. I had a stack of books, the Ipod, treats for the dawg and no real plan. I drove to the top of Mount Laguna and checked out a campsite there.

Realizing I was just a short distance from Julian, I headed through the hills and parked at the far end of town. The dawg and I just walked the place from one end to the other - this being the off season, it was almost like walking through a ghost town.

We found a decent place to eat, had a great meal and headed down the mountain just before sunset.

With the windows open and the Ipod cranking out song after song, a tune by the Indigo Girls came on that says in part;

Dust in our eyes our own boots kicked up
Heartsick we nursed along the way we picked up
You may not see it when it's sticking to your skin
But we're better off for all that we let in

Lost friends and loved ones much too young
So much promises and work left undone
When all that guards us is a single center line
And the brutal crossing over when it's time

I don't know where it all begins
And I don't know where it all will end
We're better off for all that we let in

Better off for all that we let in. . .

I remembered an evening from high school over 20 years ago. I had a classmate whose mother was going through a difficult time and she remarked to me that she had gone numb - no happiness - no sadness, just numb. In an effort to protect herself from pain, she had unwittingly lost her ability to feel the flip side of the coin - happiness.

Tim Hansel, in a book entitled "You Gotta Keep Dancin'" had a theory that your cup of joy can only be as deep as your cup of pain. I am not sure I totally agree with that but it does seem to make sense that when we shut down our emotions in an effort to avoid pain, we lose the good stuff as well.

I think it makes perfect sense to try to avoid pain and to work to alleviate suffering - but not at all costs. The bright and vibrant colors in a masterpiece painting may be the part we most focus on but it is the darkness and the shadows that provide the contrast that makes the colors come alive.

Some pain must be embraced - not nurtured, not celebrated - but accepted. You can try to go around it - reverse course and ignore it - cut off areas of your life to escape it - but those paths may cost you something dear - your compassion, your empathy, your ability to fully love.

No, with some pain, it is best to walk right on through and keep going to the other side. You can't get to Easter if you avoid Good Friday. Maybe that is it. Maybe life is not just one big birth followed by one big death and an ultimate resurrection.

Maybe life is a series of deaths - deaths of your heart, your mind, your spirit - followed by a series of resurrections. An increasingly resurrected life awaits those with the courage to walk through the valley of death time and time again. Maybe we have the option of living an increasingly ressurrected life now and then ease on into the resurrected afterlife.

For those who avoid life's pain at all costs - the resurrection does not come until the very end - and nothing but a series of deaths await along the way. Good luck avoiding them.

No, we may be better off for all that we let in.