Love and Marriage

In the past two years the wife and I have had three couples very close to us go through marital upheaval (that's not including the wife and I BTW so I guess that makes 4 total). One set of friends salvaged their marriage, one set divorced and the third set of friends appears to be headed towards divorce unless something changes.

When news of the last one hit, I found myself on my hands and knees on the back deck in tears. All six of the people involved are dearly loved by us and it hurts so much to see those you love go through such tremendous pain. There is no taking sides – and no winners.

Of course I haven’t written about it because it isn’t my story to tell. Goodness knows that in the past 18 years the wife and I have had our dark days so on a certain level, I am not one to talk.

Also in the interest of full partial disclosure, I am now the approximate age that my parents were when they gave birth to me and then my younger brother. My parents split when I was 9 years old and as I now stand beside my daughter’s crib, I am seeing my parent’s breakup in a whole new light – and it is not favorable - so I have an axe that is loudly crying out for grinding.

CS Lewis has a great book entitled The Four Loves. I will paraphrase one of his concepts: My friend Evan brings a certain element of my personality out that no one else does. When Evan and I are with a group of friends, they not only experience the me that they bring out, they experience the me that Evan brings out in me. Other people get a fuller me because of Evan. Should Evan disappear, our friends not only lose Evan, they lose the part of me that only Evan can bring out. That is one of the reasons the idea of heaven is so wonderful – everyone experiencing a fuller me-ness and you-ness by virtue of those gathered there.

All our intimate friends have that effect on us and I would go so far as to say there is a unique dimension of this that occurs between married couples. When a couple close to us splits, we lose that beautiful portion of our lives that only those two people as a married couple could bring out. In my opinion, when a couple close to us splits – it is no more a private decision and action than the wedding ceremony itself was. Divorce effects hosts of people and the pain is magnified by the love and sense of loss of the couple, their children (if any), their friends and family.

I am not trying to make anyone feel badly about anything.

Please understand, I am sure that someone "out there" who has experienced divorce will read this and my heart truly goes out to you for the pain and difficulty you have endured. I am just making a feeble attempt at giving voice to a side of divorce that I have never heard anyone speak of but which I felt so acutely that not-so-long-ago evening on the back deck.

Michael Chabon has a new book out entitled, Manhood for Amateurs: The Pleasures and Regrets of a Husband, Father and Son.

In the NPR interview, he reads one of his essays that seems to capture a sense of what I am trying to say. It is a beautifully written piece and worth your time.

The essay is what got me thinking about all this and prompted me to post about the subject.

While I may never understand how someone could leave a child, I do have a measure of understanding when it comes to the pain and difficulties of marriage. I am against divorce as a rule but I can certainly see how people find themselves there.

I don't plan on writing about this subject again but before I hit the "Publish" button I am reminded of a story my father-in-law told me regarding his parent’s 50th wedding anniversary. He asked his dad what the secret was – how did they stay married all those years. The answer:

“Son, sometimes we stayed married just because we said we would.”

Sometimes keeping a marriage together means saying, "We are unhappy right now - I hope we will once again be happy in the future - but I would rather be unhappy with you than happy without you."

And now if you will excuse me, I will take to heart to axiom, "Physician, heal thyself . . ."