FB

So. I have gotten involved with our local Spina Bifida group. The idea is to offer help and encouragement to other people in the Spina Bifida community.

At our most recent planning meeting, it was brought up that there are quite a few resources for parents of children with SB but not so much for teens and adults who actually have the condition. One of the requests was that we start a message board for teens and one for adults so that people can connect and share.

This I know nothing about.

I really enjoy the message board "Spina Bifida Kids" on Babycenter.com but I don't foresee too many teens typing in "babycenter" to get to a message board. So I put the word out that I was looking for a solution.

I received a number of suggestions - one of which was Facebook.

This, I also know nothing about.

I do have a Facebook page but I never go there. I even went so far as to turn off all the alerts because I just couldn't handle any more friend requests from people I never spoke to in my 7th grade homeroom . . . Seriously, you get a friend request from a name that sounds vaguely familiar, you log in and see a 30-something person with a spouse and kids of their own and you try and squint your eyes and morph the photo into a teenager wearing a Duran Duran button and a hat like the one Ducky wore in "Pretty in Pink".

I know, I AM A JERK.

Well, maybe it was time that FB and I make up . . . after all, it's for a worthy cause . . . so I logged on.

Now, those of you who love FB, please understand - this is more about my ineptitude than the actual FB - but I just can't make heads or tails of it.

I searched around for some gizmos (they are called "apps") that might spruce up my page and I came across a list of apps recommended by friends. One friend proclaimed himself a "fan" of an app featuring a roll of toilet paper . . . which, ummm . . . I guess there is only one response to that . . "Me too!"

I think I may have inadvertently linked my FB to my Twitter (which sounds like a euphemism for sticking your head up . . . well, you get the idea). If that is in fact what I did, now my FB page is the worst of all - a zombie page where my tweets are posted as if I am there when I am not and so people are replying to my comments in the same way you start talking to a voice mail message when you think it is an actual person. So, I'm sorry about all that. If I did that, I will try to un-do that.

Then I went to my inbox which was chock-full of people asking to be my friend, asking me to join the mafia, poking me, sending me virtual this-that-and-the-other . . . one friend sent me an app asking me to take a bada$$ quiz (I scored 16% - which sounds about right)

I figured the least I could do was clear out my inbox while I was there. So I started racing through the entries, Confirm - Confirm - Ignore - Confirm . . . and then I realized, not only do actual people request to be your friend, but the bots in the system recommend people who you might want to be friends with - sort of like a digital dating service.

I am waiting for the day when the computer suggests that I befriend myself ("You have 105 friends in common!") at which point I will immediately send myself an atomic poke (or whatever) - As it turns out, in my inept impatience to clear out the messages I had been sending out friend requests when I thought I was confirming them . . .

It wasn't long before I started getting messages saying "I thought we were already friends?" Which adds the one missing ingredient from the 80's time machine making the whole demoralizing experience complete - Teen angst.

Again. I am sorry.

Someone sent me an ad for an, how shall I say this? An alternative feminine product. Clearly this person was enthused and felt everyone in their address-book needed to know about this new breakthrough because I can't imagine they would have gone to the trouble to send it to me individually. So I hit "Ignore" - BUT WAIT? DID I?

OH %*&#$!,

I think I hit "Send to all" instead of "Ignore".

And that's when I realized I needed to just SHUT 'ER DOWN . . .

=cue the red and blue lights flashing across the barrel of an un-holstered Glock 9mm=

"Put your hands where I can see them! Step AWAY from the keyboard! Son, am I to understand you sent all your friends a girly-ad??"

"Yes . . . yes . . . officer. But it was an accident . . . ."

"Ummhumm . . . boy, do you have your Facebook up your Twitter or what?

"Actually, officer, I think I might."

"Ummhmm . . . I am going to need to see some identification . . ."

I expect the next time (if ever) I log onto FB my inbox will be full of "Sally Smith requests to NOT be your friend anymore" and who could blame her?

So, yet again, sorry.

So just to roundup:

- I think I zombie-fied my home page by jamming my Facebook up my Twitter

- If anyone out there received ANYTHING from me on FB of ANY SORT, I am sorry. I didn't poke you, prod you, toilet paper you or do lord knows what else to you

- I know nothing about feminine products so just go ahead and dis-regard that one too.

I am now resisting ordering my "FACEBOOK SUCKS" T-shirt. For one, when you google "Facebook Sucks T-shirt" you get exactly ZERO images. Which tells me that FB probably does not suck.

Which just leaves one other option.

I suck on Facebook.

T-shirts coming to a store near you . . .

UPDATE:

From Lileks this morning:

How did I live without this before? It’s called Evernote, and it’s . . . I’m not sure. It’s a bin for clips that lives up in the cloud, and can be accessed on any computer, either in a browser or a separate program. . . . I like the fact that it has absolutely no social-media integration whatsoever, because I’m getting a little tired of reading that this new can opener integrates with Facebook, somehow.

I’m still waiting for someone to invent anti-social media, like some form of Twitter where everyone blocks everyone else.

I’m also waiting for someone to tell me that I don’t need to have all my notes and clippings synced, and that I should also invest in whalebone corset stays.