Yeah, I snapped. I snapped in a way that I have not snapped in over two years.
While the wife has her own thoughts and feelings I will let her speak for herself. For my part, I am just sick and tired of having life pull the rug out from under me. It feels like the past 4 years have been harder in that regard than the 37 preceding them combined.
Like many fathers, I spend a fair amount of time wondering what the future holds for Annie; will she do well in school? Will she make decent friends? Play sports? Be interested in music? Date? What college will she go to? What major will she choose? What career? Will she marry?
Then you throw "wheelchair" into the equation and all your hope and dreams for your daughter have to be rearranged. No sooner do you finally make peace with your rearranged plans than someone calls and says "autism". And you start to become afraid to dream anymore . . .
I snapped. I didn't want to talk with well-meaning friends or family because none of them really understand (although they really do try). I didn't want to talk with friends in the SB community as even they have not had someone gob-smack them with the "A" word.
The wife and I were having discussions about what should be shared on the blog and to what degree of emotional honesty and then I logged onto Facebook . . . In my pain and anger I wanted to FLAME every posting there that talked about a recipe or a vacation or how someone didn't get enough sleep the night before . . . and on and on . . .
I shut it all down and walked away for a few days . . . I turned off my Facebook account, killed my Twitter account and turned off the blog.
I think everything is back up and running now - thank you to those who have called and e-mailed with concerns. I will get back to you as soon as I am able.
2 comments:
So glad you're back. I don't blame you for snapping, though. You have been through hell and back, and now you're being asked to go again.
Matt...I've worked with kids and adults with autism for over 20 years. Please know that the spectrum is huge and that some people are so high functioning that they hold normal jobs. Yes, they're on sensory overload, and that's difficult, but there are so many different degrees on the spectrum. I'm sure you can find people on Facebook who share these challenges if and when you have a diagnosis, and it's still not carved in stone. I loved all of the autistic students I worked with through the years. I share your fear and your temporary sorrow and disillusionment, and I will carry you in my heart. Every friend whom I have asked to pray for all of you marvels about what a beautiful little girl you have. Peace, Charlene Choate
Portland, Oregon
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