Happy National Dog Day!

More dog goodness from Lileks:

Gave the dog a scrap of pizza, then took it back because my wife reminded me I should cut it up for him so he can’t eat it all at once and enjoys it more.

But it’s possible he’s frustrated because it takes longer to eat.

She didn’t agree. I think she’s wrong. For dogs there are two states: FOOD and NOT FOOD. Once they hit the second state the fact that there was ever FOOD in the first place is forgotten; they are now experiencing NOT FOOD, and so the mission is now FOOD. Which is why he drove us nuts today. From me he expects no scraps while I eat. I never gave him any. As Alpha, I eat what I want, and if there’s anything left, that’s another issue. But the rest of the pack always shared , out of that peculiar human virtue called kindness – or, more likely, their inability to turn down that pleading, curious face – so he has, over the years, come to view their food as his food. So. When they come home after I’ve had supper, he harangues them. When they eat separate meals spaced a half-hour apart, he has to yell at them. When everything is done but there are still visual and scent-related clues that the possibility of FOOD exists, he will bark to be let outside where we sit, BARK to demand we go inside, BARK when we get there, BARK when we leave in exasperation, and BARK until someone does something stupid, like give him a few bits of kibble, which guarantees more barking tomorrow.

The wife and child say “he feels cheated” otherwise, but I try to explain that they are investing human emotions into a rather simple creature. What dogs want is this: they want an answer. Is there someone at the door? Yes or no. Is a walk about to happen? Yes or no. Is there more food? Yes or no. If the expectation is YES and the answer is NO, then they put their head down and stare and sigh, that wonderfully human gust of disappointment, but it’s the sound they make when they get the answer, and it’s the wrong one. But that’s okay. It fits in the order of things. Dogs hate uncertainty. It makes them neurotic.

My dog’s not neurotic. He just has his priorities straight and knows what works. From that we could all take a lesson.

But wait . . . there's more!



Dear Dawg: