Special Needs Marriages: Men are Solvers and Fixers

Some of this will seem insanely obvious to some of you but maybe it will scratch an itch someone else has been suffering with. My marriage is far from perfect but we are coming up on being married longer than we were unmarried so that is saying something I guess . . .

Of course I am making a broad generalization here but men are solvers and fixers.

What I mean by that is we are wired to bring order out of chaos, come up with solutions and check off tasks on a to-do list. If we can do all of that and show off our physical prowess at the same time - all the better. This is one of the reasons why so many of us love sports. Every inning, every quarter, every down is a new puzzle to be solved with both brain and brawn. This is also why we drive the women in our lives CRAZY by proposing solutions to every single problem when most often women just want to connect and be understood.

Not only do we like to fix stuff - we like to solve problems. In other words, we want to fix it our way. In fact, we would rather do a worse job our way than a better job your way. If my wife comes to me and says , "Will you please feed our daughter lunch?", I am on it! I need to solve the puzzle, come up with a solution and put it all into action resulting in a heroic "fix".

If my wife comes to me and says, "I want you to feed our daughter 1 1/2 chicken nuggets, half a jar of spinach and 14 crackers", I get frustrated. Now instead of solving and fixing the "problem" of lunch and thereby being a hero, I have become a mindless tool controlled by my wife. This is why we hate asking for directions - we want to get there our way.

When a man cannot solve or fix a problem, he will often try harder or come at it from a different direction for a time. If the problem proves unsolvable to him, he feels at risk of becoming failure. So instead of continuing to try and failing, he will ignore and walk away - there are other problems to be solved after all!

One of the ways this hard wiring comes into play in a marriage is that men believe their spouse's happiness is their responsibility. I have done a small amount of marriage counseling with engaged couples and every single time I have said this it has always been a jaw dropper. I turn to the woman and say, "You may not realize this, but he thinks he is responsible for your happiness. Whenever you aren't happy - he feels like he has failed in a primary responsibility of manhood." The woman usually says, "That's crazy". Then I turn to the man and he admits, "It's true". Commence jaw-dropping. Women instinctively know this is silly. MEN DON'T.

When a woman is unhappy, the man instinctively feels that he has failed. Think of the family dog that tucks tail and hides even if his master is angry about something that is totally unrelated to the dog. It's twisted and wrong but I have never talked with a man that did not feel this way until they were told or learned eventually on their own that Her Happiness is Not His Responsibility. Men are responsible for acting kindly, lovingly and appropriately towards their spouses. Whether their spouse is actually happy or not is not their responsibility.

Men mistakenly believe that their wife's happiness is their problem to solve and fix. Of course, no woman is going to be happy 100% of the time and so as marriage progresses and the wife remains unhappy about a handful of issues, the man starts to feel like a failure and he does what men do, he distances himself.

This has PROFOUND implications for a father of a child with special needs. There are some issues and conditions that simply cannot be fixed. They can be addressed, improved and treated but sometimes "fixing" is just not possible. When a child is not happy, whole and healthy a father is prone to feel like a failure. The temptation to distance himself from his perceived failure is huge.

What can men do about it?

1) Get your head screwed on right. The man needs to accept that his spouse will just be plain unhappy sometimes. (Hopefully) there is nothing he did to cause it and (unfortunately) nothing he can do to fix it. He can be loving, sympathetic, empathetic and supportive but in the end, to the degree that is appropriate, he needs to internally accept that Her Happiness is Not His Responsibility. He also needs to accept this truth without completely shutting down every time his spouse is upset (let's face it - sometimes her unhappiness is his fault). It is a very fine emotional line to walk and it is not easy for most men.

2) Become the super hero you have always wanted to be. What makes a hero super is when they charge into a situation in which they may not win - but they do it anyway. Your special needs child needs you more than ever. The fact that your child has special needs does not mean you have failed - distancing yourself is the failure. Remain vital and engaged even when it is exhausting and painful. The old adage "Never try to catch a falling knife" does not apply to fathers of special needs kiddos. Super hero fathers grab for the knife and often catch it by the blade - and even then we don't let go.

3) Solve what you can. You may not be able to "fix" your wife so that she is happy 24/7 but you can load the dishwasher - that's a problem you can solve and fix. You may not be able to make your child 100% happy, whole and healthy but you can track down new therapies, hunt down new services, look for better insurance coverage and apply for various governmental and non-governmental programs. These are all problems you can solve and fix. Get in the fight - stay in the fight.

What can women do about it?

1) Recognize that right or wrong, your husband is prone to feeling like a failure and when that happens he is prone to distance himself. We need to know that we have solved and fixed things from time to time. We need to feel like we are your knight in shining armor from time to time. For every legitimate concern you express, try to give him one or two "atta boys". The phrase, "I am so proud of you" does WONDERS.

2) Give him problems to fix and surrender your control so that he has the freedom to come up with his own solution. Does this mean that my daughter's lunch consists wholly of french fries and goldfish crackers from time to time? Maybe. But a lunch made of snack foods once in a while is not going to kill her and it certainly won't kill my wife to just let me do it "my way" from time to time.

3) Give him some space. As all good men do, we love our families but we are not wired to be fully engaged 24/7. When we are not given a break from time to time, we start distancing ourselves and taking breaks all the time. Carve out a 4-8 hour window once a week where your husband is not accountable. It may mean watching the game on a Saturday, it may mean he grabs a beer with buddies on Thursday nights. Whatever it is, make space for it and don't grill him about it when he gets home. "Did you have a good time?" is really the extent most men are comfortable with - he will offer more info if and when he wants.

Men are solvers and fixers. It is a wise woman that recognizes this. It is a wise man that recognizes that just because he can't solve and fix everything does not mean he is a failure.

Part 2 to come . . .