Judgement Call

Stick with me on this one - it's gonna get worse before it gets better . . .

The other morning I stopped by a Starbucks that is in between my home and office. I picked up a quadruple latte ($4.65) and I was so lost in my thoughts that I almost left my sunglasses at the counter. Which would have been an utter disaster seeing as how my wife had gotten them for me and they are worth about $1200.

So what had me so distracted? The octuplet mom. I know exactly one thing about this story - some woman in the Midwest has 8 children. And yet the world seems to be consumed with her story (in a disapproving way) - I see her photo on the magazines at the checkout and her face is flashing up on the TV screen in the lobby of the office . . .

"How is it that everyone knows so much about this lady and I know nothing" was exactly what I was wondering as I waited for my coffee. Then it hit me - of course, we never watch the news at home. Our nights are filled with watching movie rentals. The wife and I have always loved movies and we have this beautiful flat screen plasma TV that makes the whole experience a joy.

But even if I had followed "Octo-mom's" story. I doubt I would have much to say about it (assuming she hasn't eaten 6 of them or something). . . but first, let me tell you about my friend . . .

I have a very good friend who is exactly two months older than me. Although we did not become friends until adulthood, we grew up about 10 miles from each other outside of LA. We were both at the bottom of the economic ladder at our upper-middle class, mostly-white high schools. In college we actually held the exact same job where we supervised many of the same exact people.

We have almost identical political and religious beliefs. We both attend Presbyterian churches. I have known his wife for going on 20 years and he has known mine for about 16. We bought our first homes in the same year - Priced about 25% apart - placed about 40 miles apart.

When California had it's big Governor recall a few years back, my friend and I discussed the candidates and we both made principled decisions to cast our vote - for different candidates . . .

But that's just where the fun begins . . . For all our similarities we can be totally opposite in the way we view the world and the conclusions we draw from it . . . Oh, sure, from the outside the casual observer would cast us as twins separated at birth . . . two peas in a pod, so to speak. But nothing could be further from the truth.

We were born with totally different personalities. We were raised in totally different family structures. His personality and life experiences led him one direction in college and mine another. In fact, we are so different that for the first few years that we moved in similar social circles we both assumed that we would never be more than acquaintances. We just didn't have enough common ground . . . We still stun each other with our differences from time to time.

So what's my point?

If I can be totally flabbergasted from time to time by a friend I have so many things in common with and with whom I have been fast friends for the past 10 years or so, what are the chances I have any hope of truly knowing and understanding a mother in the mid-west with 8 children whom I have never met?

So many times in life we are tempted to say, "If I were her, I would . . . " But of course we all know what you would do if you were her. Your personality and life experiences would lead you to do the same thing she did - because you would be her.

What we really mean to say is, "If I were me, but only in their circumstances . . . ." Which is the same as saying if another person had been born with my personality and had my life experiences - if they were a totally different person, say - like me, then they would make different decisions . . . . You don't say.

In other news, water is wet and you can't live on the sun on account of it's so hot and stuff . . . Lets not pay the postage on those Mensa applications just yet . . . .

Being the parents of an extraordinary child such as Annabelle, it can be so tempting to hear friends talk about how Tommy has a cold or Suzie is colicky and exclaim, "Unless you think that cold is going to actually kill your child - you have nothing to complain about . . ." But of course that would not only be untrue it would be utterly pointless and totally inappropriate.

Being the parent of a typical child, I would imagine it would be so tempting to look at those with medically fragile children and say, "If I were them . . ." but of course this is equally pointless because (by the grace of God) you aren't them . . . .

Oh, and just as a little goofy object lesson:

That trip to Starbucks? I was actually on my way home from the office having worked 3am-8am on a Saturday morning. I was just wrapping up my fourth week in a row of 60-70 hour weeks and it was my turn to watch the baby. I was afraid I would fall asleep on the way home and I thought I deserved to treat myself after 260 hours of work in the past 4 weeks. The last time I was in a Starbucks? 6 months ago - with a friend who works for S. and wanted to go in to pick up her free bag of coffee - we didn't buy anything. Last time in S. before that? About a year ago. I bought a small drip coffee ($1.65) because I needed to use their bathroom. Total S. bill for the past year? $6.30 - I have just never felt like I could afford S. on a regular basis.

Those $1200 sunglasses? Part of my wife's job as an Optician is to model high-end eye-wear so frame companies are constantly outfitting her with glasses for free. She did such a good job selling one line of eye wear that the company gave me a pair of prescription sunglasses as a way to say thank you. Which was good because I couldn't bring myself to pay $40 for a decent pair of shades.

The Plasma TV? A donation by an anonymous well wisher who heard of our story last year. In 16 years the wife and I have bought exactly one TV - an old wood-console jobby that still had the old-fashioned dials on it and every show looked like it was set in a snow-storm. We paid $60 for it at a Salvation Army in 1994. Ever since then we have lived off hand-me down TV's from friends who were upgrading. We have just never felt like we could afford to buy a new TV.

All those Nextflix? The ironic thing about having such a nice TV is that we can't afford cable. When we get home and say "Nothing is on TV" we actually mean "NOTHING IS ON TV" - we are talking blank, blue screen here . . . The Netflix subscription is actually cheaper than the Cable so we figure we are saving a couple bucks and getting better programming in the bargain.

Just to recap: Despite the impression that someone might get from the way this post begins, that quadruple latte was my one trip to S. for the year as I don't have room in my budget for $5 cuppa joe every other day - I don't have $$ for sungasses - Have never been able to afford a new TV - and we subscribe to netflix instead of paying for cable because it is cheaper.

My point?: Everything I wrote at the beginning of this post is 100% true and yet if that is all you had to base your judgement on you would end up drawing a totally incorrect conclusion.

Am I lamenting that life feels hard right now?? Yes and No. More than any other time, life feels like a fist full of diamonds. Never before has life been so unforgivably hard and yet so blindingly and brilliantly beautiful. It's just beautifully hard in a way that no casual observer could possibly understand.

I tend to believe that everyone in this world is for the most part doing their best and making the best decisions they can based on who they are and the information presented to them. The question for outsiders is not whether you judge them "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" or how "if you were them you would do things differently", the question is, is there anything I can do to help? Because other than that, there is a good chance you don't know enough about another person's personality, background or situation to pass judgement.

And don't bother e-mailing me about the Octo-mom. It's none of my business and I have my hands full dealing with my own shortcomings - and in any case, who am I to judge?